Uncategorized

How to Practice Tough Love

Tough Love is Still Love

I loved the alcoholic, but I had to learn to love myself more.” 

– Grace W. Wroldson, author of  So You Love an… Alcoholic?

I loved him. I loved the alcoholic. I loved him as much as I possibly could. However, my love couldn’t cure the active disease of alcoholism that was destroying him. I thought my love was helping him…for a time. After a while, my love stopped helping and started hurting us both.

Looking at Myself

I was codependent, and so, my version of love consisted of rescuing, enabling, hand-holding, fixing, and pitying the alcoholic. My version of love was no longer about loving another free soul and being loved in return — it was about chaining his soul to mine so he would never leave me. I had abandonment issues and an intense fear of failure which was coupled with an incredible fear of humiliation. I trapped myself in an endless cycle of fear and I justified it by saying, “But I love him so much!”

Love

Twenty years ago, my original love for him stemmed from two things:

  1. Respect

When I met him, I respected him. He had good qualities. However, if one definition of love is based on respect then over time I had lost love (and respect) for the alcoholic. I also lost love (and respect) for myself because I refused to let go of him even when his bad behavior was unacceptable.

I hung onto the alcoholic in the most unloving ways. My codependency and addiction to loving him became the ways I “loved” the alcoholic from a place of fear and pain. I knew that my love was destroying me and hurting him, but my fears wouldn’t let me let go. My behavior was not respectable. My behavior was not loving towards myself.

  1. Pity

I felt sorry for him. Back when I met him in high school, he seemed so misunderstood. He seemed to be a suffering soul and I wanted to be the ONE person who could understand him. To complete him. Did I ever once think to try to understand myself first? No. I was so fixated on others (part of my codependency). Did I feel incomplete? Was I feeling sorry for myself in some way?

Wait… was I a suffering soul too? What about me in all of this talk about love?

Tough Love for the Alcoholic

After failed attempts at practicing tough love with the alcoholic – trying to get him sober- (like others had suggested to me), I had to stop. Trying to practice tough love with him wasn’t working and wearing me down. It didn’t get him to quit drinking. It didn’t get him into AA and sober. It tired me out.

Tough Love with Myself

So, instead, I had to practice tough love with myself. This was difficult because I wanted to love him forever. That’s what my heart wanted. However, it wasn’t healthy for either of us to try for “forever” with the disease of alcoholism progressing in our alcoholic-codependent relationship. I had to shift my focus away from the alcoholic and away from the relationship. I had to focus on myself. I needed healing.

How Did I Practice Tough Love?

  1. I had to break my own heart and break it off with the alcoholic. I did this to love and respect myself.
  2. I also had to break up with myself! I broke it off with the old, tired, codependent version of me. I refused to be that person anymore. Then I set some major boundaries with myself around relationships. I became financially independent. Boy, was that some tough love to take! It wasn’t easy.

Tough Love is Still Love

I needed to remember that tough love is still a form of love. I worked my recovery program and learned to be in a loving relationship with myself. Some of it was tough but self-love helped me “tough it out” and survive the heartbreak. I learned to be tough yet gentle with myself to get through it gracefully.

Can you imagine loving yourself with tough love, yet still being gentle with yourself in the process?

By practicing tough love, I learned to love myself in ways that worked. Today, my life is filled with love because I took a tough love approach! Tough love is still love.

If any of this resonates with you, read my 25 + powerful lessons from my book, So You Love an… Alcoholic? : Lessons for a Codependent

 

Uncategorized

Do I Have to Lose Myself to Love an Alcoholic?

 

Do I Have to Lose Me to Love You?

 

“Every time I put the alcoholic first, I put myself last.

On second thought, I never even made the list.”

—Grace W. Wroldson

 

Slow Suicide of Self and Soul

 

Buried alive in a relationship with an alcoholic, I eventually asked myself…

“Do I have to lose me to love you?”

I started to notice my “loss of self” every time we got back together. This was disturbing to me. Very…very…disturbing. It was like watching a slow suicide of myself and my soul.

I realized that my alcoholic demanded (passively and covertly), ALL of my attention with his issues. (Later, I would learn that the disease of alcoholism does this to everyone caught in its cycle.) His issues became my issues. He made them mine. I made them mine.

Then I had new issues of my own. As I spent more years in the alcoholic relationship, it was revealed to me that I had issues buried deep inside. My issues came to the surface and screamed at me for attention. However, his issues were so BIG that they forced me to push aside my own and neglect myself. I was getting sick by loving him because I was not loving myself!

Over time, my body deteriorated from the stress of it all. My soul hung on but was slowly deteriorating too. It was a slow suicide.

So, YES, (sadly), I “had” to lose myself to give him the love, time, and attention he desperately needed (and the disease of alcoholism demanded). Those were the conditions that alcoholism (and my codependency) placed on me in order to stay in the dysfunctional relationship. To keep the relationship, I had to keep the insanity and lose myself.

But, NO, I didn’t have to do this. I could choose not to. I just needed to know that I had a choice which my own disease of co-dependency (left unchecked) prevented me from realizing on my own. As I became aware of my own issues regarding self-harm, self-abandonment, and self-betrayal, I started to look for help. I wanted to get out of this type of love scenario and save myself.

I sought recovery for my co-dependency and my own addiction to loving him. I healed and continue to heal by using the Twelve-Step Al-Anon recovery program and other self-help tools. You can too!

Find out how I broke free and repaired the relationship with myself in my new book, So You Love an… Alcoholic?: Lessons for a Codependent.


In my revealing book, I share 25+ powerful lessons that facilitated my healing process so I never lost or buried myself again. I was able to stop my soul-suicide attempts by opting out of alcoholic-codependent relationships. But first, I had to learn several important lessons. And I had to change.